Vintage Rupert

And here's a little archive of Vintage Rupert columns (for which, many thanks to Dave White):

Until the middle of 1977 editions of the What's Doing newsletter came out in volumes, rather than by the month. "WD" Vol. 2, No. 7 (May/June 1977) carried the banner headline, "Holts to Spend Ł20,000 on Pub", the pub in question being the Egerton Inn, Crumpsall. Elsewhere, amongst other things, Greenalls had stopped brewing light mild; the Three Legs of Man in Salford was about to reopen; Pete Cash wrote an article about a visit to Burtonwood Brewery on 23rd March that year. The Prince William in Bolton got a mention, and at the end of the newsletter came this anonymously written and seemingly innocuous piece :-

CHEZ WHEN

One of the features in April's Opening Times is a pub crawl of two pubs, yes that's right - two pubs. This seems to be excessive so we're drawing up a master list of single pub pub crawls. Later on in the night you can add a touch of realism to the crawl by staggering out of the front door and going in again.

Eventually we hope to achieve the ultimate in pub crawls for the cognoscenti - THE NO PUB PUB CRAWL. We envisage this as a complete home entertainment package, containing all the essential elements of a pub crawl without the usual irritations like having to go out, meeting people, having to walk, going into different pubs and drinking beer. The package will contain the usual drinker's requisites like Keg Buster T-shirts, hand woven Camra jodhpurs, embossed spats, badges and a rare copy of the collector's edition of the Good Beer Guide.

There will be some other items to bring the atmosphere of the pub into your home. A selection of pub sounds cassettes will enable you to recreate the ambience of different locals in your own living room. Choose from the comprehensive list which includes Tally Ho, Spit and Sawdust, Sauchiehall Street Fights, Londonderry Bomb Blasts, Whitegates, More Whitegates, Whitegates again, dominoes, darts, pool, fruit machine, muffled juke box, last orders, lunchtime. And from the conversations series - Weather, Football, Sex, Religion, Politics, Cars, More Sex, Beer, Food, Whitegates conversations, the unique Whitegates sound and eavesdroppings from the Fatted Pseud.

A self-assembly bar complete with pump handle and inflatable barmaid helps to complete the visual effect whilst the selection of aerosols - Cigarette Smoke, Traffic Fumes, Stale Beer, Vomit and Ferret Urine - gives the final touch of authenticity.

The package is completed with a dozen cans of non-alcoholic Saudi Arabian beer and packets of Rapidopist instant drunkenness pills and Sobakwik instant recovery fluid.

The June/July 1977 edition of "What's Doing" (Vol. 2, No. 8) led with the news that CAMRA hoped to stage a "real ale exhibition" at the Royal Exchange Theatre in late July. A lengthy article followed about the decline of the availability of mild in Greater Manchester and another one entitled "Real Ale - Plastic Pubs". There was a pull-out guide to Real Ale in Manchester & Salford (you don't get those anymore), plus news that the Harp Lager factory in Moss Side had caught fire. The letters page contained the following epistle :-

Dear Sir,

My attention has been drawn to the derogatory remarks made about the Fatted Pseud in What's Doing. As vice-captain of the pub's embroidery team and assistant secretary of the Fatted Pseud Dwarf Reform League, I feel I must protest about this unwarranted and scurrilous attack on what is arguably the best public house north of St. Albans. The Fatted Pseud is a natural meeting place for a wide cross section of local societies, including The Marple and District Effete Poseurs Society, The Stoke on Trent Verbal Ramblers, The Ashby de la Zouch Drabs Ale Appreciation Group and the Stockton on Tees Tripe Dressers anti-leprosy campaign.

The pub thrives on local involvement and engenders a unique community spirit. The marvellous atmosphere of the Fatted Pseud is further enhanced by the unforgettable characters one meets, all of whom merit inclusion in the Readers Indigestion. There's Elsie the unicycling nun whose conjuring tricks and unusual method of removing bottle tops make the mind boggle. Eric the Hun with his belt of shrunken heads and the Hitler twins with their Glockenspiel and Alpenhorn are often to be seen over a pint of Courvoisier in the vault. The Marx brothers, Lourenco, Deutsch and Karl drink pints of Drabs mild and blackcurrant and sing amusing folk tales about General Amin and the IRA. Doris Morris, 'the bionic woman', leans her artificial limbs against the bar as she drinks her customary six pints of Throwups 4X mild. The list is endless but the Fatted Pseud gives a warm welcome to all visitors.

If you were to stop making defamatory innuendoes about my favourite local and come down and meet some of the characters in their matching ties and cufflinks chatting amiably about well hopped beer and nectar, your attitude would soon change.

Yours,
Rupert Periwinkle

Just below the letter was the picture of R.P. that was to become his trade-mark.

"More Pub Closures in Salford", thundered What's Doing in August 1977. From now on the newsletter would be published each month. Otherwise, this was not a particularly interesting edition. There was a list of pubs selling something called Wilsons Brewers Bitter, and the outlets included the Old Roebuck, Altrincham; Sinclairs Oyster Bar, Manchester and Newbridge Lane Conservative Club. Tony Flynn wrote a piece about brewery bottles, both glass and stone, which you might dig up on a rubbish tip; and, following on from the CAMRA national AGM that spring, there was a debate about the pros and cons of serving traditional ale via air pressure.

August 1977 also saw the publication of the first Rupert Periwinkle column as we know it today. From then on, Rupert has had a regular monthly column, usually appearing at the back of the magazine. We've scanned in a few so that you can read them as they originally appeared (more or less). Click on the links below. Use whatever passes for a Back feature in your browser to return to this page.

August 1977 (the first "Rupert" column as we know it now)
December? 1977
March 1978
April 1978

This page was last updated on 17th January 2007