Rupert's Page

Rupert Periwinkle was a regular columnist
in our branch magazine, What's Doing.

A portrait of Mr Periwinkle as a young man

He lives in a slightly, er, different
world from the rest of us...

Rupert's first contribution to What's Doing was published in 1977. Since then his musings on life, the universe and everything have been eagerly awaited by all our regular readers. But, as Sir Winston Churchill so wisely remarked, Rupert is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. He inhabits a universe which so closely parallels our own that we gasp in reading his words, sure for a second that we have glimpsed some truth about our own world. And then the moment passes, and we assure ourselves that we are mistaken. We do but read of some fantastic land that may in some slight way resemble ours, yet stands apart from it, separated by a vast expanse of time and space and alcohol.

Rupert Periwinkle lives somewhere in Greater Grotley. We're not quite sure where. Many people who've felt slighted by his rapier wit would like to know exactly where he lives, so that they can pay him a visit - late at night. We suspect he lives in that up and coming part of town, Slumley Marina.

Rupert has great disdain for his near neighbours in Wealthshire and especially Pudshire. He has great disdain for many things, including his chums in CAMRA and most especially the brewers. That doesn't stop him sinking a great many pints of Drabs at such salubrious salons as the Simian and Satsuma in Central Grotley, or trying the amber nectars purveyed by the Foaming Tankard on the way to Vile Splatting.

His great contribution to the cause of good beer and good pubs has, of course, been the Greater Grotley Guide. It's out of print now but the descriptions and advice it offers are as true today as they ever were. So we've resurrected it and stuck it on the Web!

Meanwhile, the very latest Good Beer Guide is available at all good bookshops. Editor Boris Prattz has been critical of past Guides, saying that "the old style of entry with brief 'friendly street-corner local' style descriptions didn't meet the needs of today's pubgoer". Well, that may be so. But many of you will miss the terse and somehow bitingly true one liners that really summed up the ambience of Greater Grotley's finest watering holes.

Frankly, Rupert's descriptions can never be bettered. If you've ever been to the Gungesmearers Arms in Scum Street, you'll know that "rare example of authentic squalor" sums the place up exactly. Add to that the news that Drabs mild and bitter are available on handpump and you have all the information you could ever need.

Rupert's Real Ale in Greater Grotley (including Grotley, Slumley, Smarmford and Slutch, Poshton and Pseudley) was originally published in September 1979, as part of What's Doing issue no. 47. It has never been approved by CAMRA's National Executive.

This page was last updated on 14th January 2007