Rupert's Guide to Real Ale in Greater Grotley

GROTLEY

DOCKER'S WEDGE
Eczema Ginnel
Drabs M, B (H)
Landlord Drabs Drunk of the Year, 1978

DOSE OF CLAP
Retch Alley
Drabs M, B (H)
Draught meths in season

DOG & SPIT
Bilharzia Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Barmaid strangles parrots

GUNGESMEARERS' ARMS
Scum Street
Drabs M, B (H)
A rare example of authentic squalor

RAT & HANDBAG
Verruca Fold
Drabs M, B (H)
Room available for brawls

RAT'S VOMIT
Snots Buildings
Drabs M, B (H)
CAMRA member killing landlord

SKUNK'S BUM
Back Thrutch Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Next to farting cushion factory

VAPID TOAD
Sweats Buildings
Drabs M, B (H)
Violent and filthy

SLUMLEY

CAP & MUFFLER
Scrot Road
Drabs M, B (H)
Medieval meat pies

DIMP
Dog End Road
Drabs M, B (H)
Deaf pianist, blind juggler and legless ballerina perform at weekends

FESTERING STUMP
Gangrene Mount
Drabs M, B (H)
Interesting collection of dust

MRS HITLERS
Belsen Villas
Drabs M, B (H)
Nestling between brothel and curry shop

MOLECATCHERS' APPENDAGES
Spog Street
Drabs M, B (H)
Interesting clientele of thugs and perverts

NETHER SLUMLEY BLOODTUB
Nether Slumley Road
Drabs M, B (H)
Fights twice a night and three times on Saturdays

PLAGUE & VACUUM CLEANER
Bog Row
Drabs M, B (H)
Memorable display of shrunken heads of former customers in concert room

SLUTCH

BUSMAN'S LEG
Slag Heap Terrace
Drabs M, B (C)
Unique clockwork dispense system

CORPSE & REINDEER
Nutters Bend
Drabs M, B (H)
Neolithic vault

DONKEY'S DONGER
Grot Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Archetypal grime and slovenliness

FOETID BAT
Pus Alley
Drabs M, B (H)
Unparalleled collection of pornography

INVERTED MISSIONARY
Tweedie Street
Drabs M, B (H)
Unique women-only vault

MARQUIS ST EXREMENT
St Denis Square
Drabs M, B (H)
Strange combination of gothic majesty and Victorian feculence

MERMAID'S UNFINDABLE
Coley Street
Drabs M, B (H)
Tucked away near the fish market

NAVVY'S BUTTY
Dockley Road
Drabs M, B (H)
Redolent with decay

GUNGEHURST

FLATULENT WOMBAT
Belly Hill
Drabs M, B (H)
Illicit cock fighting on Sundays

OWL THROTTLERS' REPOSE
Back Urinal Street
Drabs M, B (H)
A taxidermist's paradise

RAMPANT STRUMPET
Kneetrembler Parade
Drabs M, B (H)
Landlord is world's only surviving brain transplant patient

STUNTED DWARF
Midges Dyke
Drabs M, B (H)
HQ of Gay Dwarf Reform League and the Persons of Restricted Growth Liberation Front

SHRIEKING VOLE
Gutter Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Half drinkers frequently knifed on pay days

TRIPEDRESSERS' ARMS
Cowstum Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Cowheel butties in a basket a speciality of the house

TOAD STRETCHERS' ARMS
Frog Lane
Drabs M, B (H)
Landlord local chairman of Nazi Licensees Organisation

SMARMFORD

CLOCKWORK SOLDIER
Esher Square
Sipstang Auspice (H), Sipstar Hospice (E)
Popular with clones

THE CLICHÉ
Ongoing Street
Flatulence M, B (E)
Ceiling festooned with No Way signs

CHINLESS WONDER
Coeur de Lion View
Kamikaze 14X (G)
HQ of Smarmford Homing Penguin Society

HARK TO PLASTIC
Polystyrene Avenue
Spew BB, B (H)
Marlowe was not killed here

LIMP WRIST
The Green
Honker & McNasty 80/- (W)
Site of the Siege of Smarmford in the War of Belcher's Foot

MICROPROCESSOR DESIGN ENGINEER & PORK BUTCHER'S ARMS
Software Street
Brasses B, Muckraker (Electronic)
Computerised dispense system designed by Mine Host 'Chip' Cohen

THE STOCKBROKER
Rue de la Bourse
Python 6X Porter (G)
Real Ales and Real Deals

POSHTON

CUCKOLDS' ARMS
Chatsworth Mews
Nausea B, M (H)
Dylan Thomas never drank here

CUNNING STUNT
Coronation Square
Pigswill Strong, B (H)
Sacked by Owain Glyndwr

LORD CARDBOARD
Pretty Boy Road
Pukes M, B (E)
Wide selection of authentic pygmy food at lunchtime

POPE'S KNEE
Vatican Terrace
Wolsey Cardinal Ale (H)
Interesting collection of mitres in the vault

PERSON & SCYTHE
Ms Street
Gollocks Old, M, B (G)
7 reel fruit machine with reverse nudge facility and random hold

RAILWAY & BARRISTER
Silk Cuttings
Throwups 4X Mild (H)
Popular Preston Guild Committee meeting place

TOADSTOOL
Molyneux Terrace
Boringsod BB, BM (E)
Giraffe market every 2nd and 4th Tuesday

SMARMBURY

BAND WAGON
Cholmondeley Boulevard
Pissenlit 4X Royale, Plastered Nun, Throbsons Olde Wierdo (G)
Chile con carne from the wood & Barrister's Lunch from 6 gns

CRAVAT & LABRADOR
Thatcher's Heath
Wilson & Kepple B (H)
Unpretentious local popular with yachting fraternity

FATTED PSEUD
Fuchsia Close
Cobblers B, M (H), Flatulence B (H), Gollocks B (H), Honker & McNasty 80/- (H), Kamikaze Russian Stout (H), Python 6X Porter (H), Pigswill 4X Mild (H), Throwup 4X Mild (H)
Startling array of amber nectars from the wickets

GIN & JAGUAR
Royal Ascot Mews
McSporran Welsh (E)
Ceiling festooned with snuffboxes

POSEUR'S REST
Pseudley Rise
Boringsods BB (E)
Dwile Flonking on Thursdays

SYCOPHANT
Smarmley Crescent
Wetbed Frothy (H)
Impressive barrel-vaulted gents

SNOBLEY

CARDBOARD PRATT
Lovely Lane
Fartons B, M (H)
Gay graveyard at rear

CRASHING BORE
Yawning Dell
Brobdingnags B (H), Pukes M (E)
Interesting collection of hopmeters in the lower bar

PRETENDER
Protz Terrace
Molestrangler Diabetic Lager (G)
All beer served in 300 ml silver goblets

PHEASANT PLUCKER'S REST
Potters Row
Cobblers Tig Bitter (E)
In the hands of the Spooner family for 5 generations

REVOLVING CUMMERBUND
Credibility Gap
Brasses B, M (E)
Landlord refuses to discuss Kierkegaard

SLIGHTLEY LESSER TURK'S HEAD
Pseud Hill
Nausea B (H)
Cucumber sandwiches in winter

WALTZING MATILDA
The Billabong
Fosters Lager (T)
Ceiling festooned with wallabies

PSEUDLEY

BODKAN 200
Bright Road
Spew BB (E)
An instant pub

CUCUMBER & HEARING AID
The Circuit
McSporran Polish (G), Newton Apfel (G)
Beowulf slept here

THE BRISTOL
Knockers Lane
Pissenlit 4X Royale, Plastered Nun (G)
Large, impressive double fronted exterior

MONGOL HORDE & VOLUNTEER
Hun Street
Honker & McNasty 120/- (G)
Ask for the cheeky little bitter from the jug

PONCE & GASWORKS
Therm Street
Gollocks 7X Barley Wine (G)
A cosy meeting place for epicureans and beer buffs

PESTILENT PORCUPINE
Spine Street
Fartons Halitosis (H)
Excellent Sachertorte and Womble Pie

This seminal work by long time branch activist, Rupert Periwinkle, was first published in What's Doing back in 1979. Long out of print, it is now preserved for posteriors on the Web.

This page was last updated on 14th April 2002